


Jealousy

by EllieRose101



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Episode Fix-it, Episode: s06e14 Older and Far Away, F/M, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22983364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllieRose101/pseuds/EllieRose101
Summary: “What’s a matter, Spike, you jealous?”Buffy’s question sparks Spike off on a tirade that has the potential to change everything. (Set during Season Six: Older and Far Away.)
Relationships: Spike/Buffy Summers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2015

Spike and Buffy were stood together in her hallway for the third time that evening. He kept trying to get her away from her other guests, but especially from Richard.

“What’s a matter, Spike, you jealous?” Her voice was teasing, but Spike’s face was like thunder.

“Yeah, alright, I’m jealous. Of course I bloody am! You would be, too, if you felt like I did.”

Buffy rolled her eyes, but that only enraged him more.

“You listen to me,” he demanded. “If you loved like I did, and I was the one screwin’ you around, I’d be the worst bloody sod in the world. But it’s okay, ‘cause it’s you doin’ it to me, and I don’t matter, right love?

“If I chased around, flirted with, or even idly toyed with the idea of looking at another woman, you’d damn near cut my balls off. You can deny it, but I know you would. And what’s more, you’d have every right to. Even if you’re never mine, you know you got me. I’m yours, now. No going back. You know I’m all for you, heart and…” he floundered, suddenly, as he remembered his heart and his body were all he really had to give, and she already had both. There was no soul he could profess to give her. No matter, he pressed on. There was a lot he needed to get off his chest, and he was just getting started.

“Point is, it’d be wrong of me to do that to you. It’d hurt you, and that would kill me. So, no. I wouldn’t go after anyone else. Not now. Not while…” his sentence trailed off again. Not while what? They weren’t together. Not really. But while whatever it was they were doing continued, he would never do anything to jeopardize it.

Buffy looked stricken at his words, and had opened her mouth to respond, but Spike still wasn’t done.

“I just wouldn’t, okay? But things are different for you. You don’t have to meet the same standard. Can do what you bloody like, you can.

“As long as I’m your dirty little secret,” he continued, the word ‘secret’ dripping from his mouth like poison, “You can bat me back and forth. Do whatever you damn well please. And I’ll take it. You know I will. But you can’t expect me to like it, and you can’t expect me not to be upset when your clueless little friends are running around trying to find you a new boy right under my bloody nose!”

Buffy gaped at him, entirely speechless. How could she explain her actions, let alone try and justify them? It pained her to admit it, even to herself, but Spike was right. If he’d treated her the way that she had him…. No. She couldn’t even think about it. It would never happen. What she was doing was worse than how Parker had just used and discarded her, she realized, and that realization stung harder than she could have ever imagined. She knew he felt deeply, but those feelings never really struck her like this before.

“Spike, I–” she managed, before the look on his face made her words die on her lips. Now that his anger had passed, he was looking regretful. Scared, even. Did he really think she would call things off just because he’d stood up to her?

Buffy shook her head, disgusted with herself, knowing he had every reason to worry. Hadn’t she told him a million times they couldn’t be? He had everything to lose in what they were doing, and was getting nothing but abuse for it in return.

Somebody, somewhere in the next room, cleared their throat, and Buffy suddenly became aware how quiet the house had gotten around them. Fear flooded her as she realized that Spike hadn’t exactly been discreet in his ranting.

Looking around, she now saw her friends at the door to the living room, looking back at her, expectantly. Before they could say anything, though, Spike jumped in and tried to explain his words away. He said they weren’t real. That they were a joke. But no one was the least bit convinced.

Dawn stepped forward, out of the crowd, and said to Buffy, “Did you really do that? Are you really using Spike?”

“No,” said Spike, interjecting again. “She’s just… it’s not!”

Dawn was shaking her head. Her eyes were glassy as she spoke again, “How could you?”

The words cut through Buffy like a knife. All this time she’d only given half of herself to Spike, unable to stop herself from not giving in at all, but paralyzed enough by fear of shame and judgment from her friends that she wouldn’t let him the rest of the way in.

This shame and judgment was worse. It was from Dawn, who Buffy had expected to be the one to understand, most of all. And it was for the fact that she was with Spike in a perverse way that was hurting them both, rather than for the fact that she was with him at all.

As the silent tension of the moment stretched on, Spike tried in vain to explain things again; to minimize his earlier points and to excuse Buffy of any wrongdoing. Why couldn’t he just give up? Why did he always have to try and make things better, even when there was no chance? Buffy both loved and hated him for his tenacity.

“I’m sorry,” she said to Dawn, tears slipping down her cheeks as she completely ignored everyone standing behind her. They didn’t matter. Not in this.

“Spike,” she said, then turning back around to him. “C-could we talk? In the kitchen, maybe?”

He nodded, a horrible look in his eyes again, like a man about to go to the gallows. Without another word to anyone else, they walked into the kitchen and shut the door. The moment it was closed, he began his apologies.

“Buffy, I’m sorry. I never meant for them to hear; for them to find out.”

She was taken aback. Rarely had she ever heard him say sorry, and never like this.

“I said I’d never hurt you,” he continued, “And now look what I’ve done. Couldn’t even last a bloody minute, could I?” He shook his head, his shoulders slumping. “I’ll go.”

“No!” said Buffy, so instinctively and forcefully it made him stand up straight again. “You’re not going anywhere. And you don’t need to be sorry. I started this. Me.”

“Buffy–”

“No,” she said again. “You’ve said your bit, and you’re right. I’ve been awful to you.”

“I am a monster,” he said, in her defense. But that excuse was getting old.

“ _I_ was the monster, Spike.”

“Was?” he questioned.

“No more,” said Buffy, and he all but deflated before her. “I’m sorry. Doing this, it’s killing both of us. I see that now.”

“Don’t,” he said. “Please, don’t.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” said Buffy. “You have every right to go out of here and never see me again, but… but I’d like to fix things.”

Spike’s eyes lit up, despite how uncertain he looked. Did he dare to hope?

“I’m serious,” said Buffy. “No more teasing. Let’s do this right.”

“But what about…?” His eyes drifted to the closed door, silently finishing his sentence for him.

“Forget about them. I can’t do it without you. I don’t want to, but I will. If you don’t want…?”

“Buffy!” he exclaimed, stepping closer to her than he had allowed himself to, all through the rest of the conversation. He got on his knees at her feet. “Buffy, don’t you know I want nothing else but you?”

They were both crying now.

Buffy rested her hand on his cheek. “Forgive me,” she asked.

He gave her a weak smile, then rose to his feet again, their lips meeting. The kiss was tender, like it had never been before between them. Buffy tangled her arms around Spike, and he held her back just as much.

Then, when the kiss ended, her head nestled against his chest and rested there. “Spike,” she breathed, knowing what she had to do.

“Yeah, love?”

It was easier, him not looking at her. “I love you,” she whispered against his shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

Both Buffy and Spike stood completely still, and quiet, as the shock of Buffy’s confession washed over them. Then, after what seemed like an eternity, Spike pulled out of the embrace just far enough to look her in the eye.

“What was that?” His voice was shaking. “Did I just hear–?”

“You heard it,” said Buffy. “Please don’t make me say it again.”

Spike’s mouth dropped open of its own accord and Buffy’s arms fell away from him. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Don’t…? Bloody hell, Buffy!”

She shook her head and moved further away from him. “Forget it. I never should have said anything.” She was closing up again, right before his very eyes.

“No, wait!” He pulled her back by her arm, and she didn’t really fight it, but she still wouldn’t look at him. Spike forced himself to calm down and speak softly. “You’re scared, yeah? Tell me why.”

Buffy shook her head and didn’t answer. After a deep breath, Spike tried again to reach her.

“I know those words mean the world to you,” he said. “Maybe not when they come from me, but you don’t say them without meaning it.”

“No,” Buffy disagreed. “I told Riley. I lied to him all the time.”

That gave Spike pause, because he knew that was true, but he also believed in what he was saying. It took him a long moment before he could continue.

“You love deeply, just like me. But it’s hard for you. I get that. I bet that lying to Riley about how you felt killed you, and you don’t want that. You also saw how loving Angel could hurt. Both those things shaped you but, in your heart, you still love deeply. And the words don’t mean nothing. Saying them out of turn to Captain Cardboard p’rolly only served to drive that conviction deeper. You decided you weren’t gonna say them again until you knew for sure, am I right?”

Buffy finally looked at him again. She studied his eyes intently as she asked, “When did you get so insightful?”

Spike let out a laugh. “Don’t rightly know.”

Buffy smiled, then sighed, and shook her head. “God, I’m sorry. I made with the big gesture and I’m still getting it wrong.”

“Forget gestures,” said Spike. “Forget about expectations, and past wrongs, and consequences. If we do this then you gotta stop runnin’ away every time you open up some.”

“I know,” said Buffy.

“Yeah, you know,” agreed Spike. “But it’s still hard. I understand that.”

“Do you?” Buffy’s asked, genuinely. She wasn’t sure she understood herself, truth be told.

“The way I see it,” said Spike, “This doesn’t have to be some complicated thing. You like, you love, you be together. Forget all that other rot.”

“And what if I can’t?” Now it was her voice that was shaking.

Spike knelt at her feet once more. Buffy was starting to think he found that position a little too comfortable.

“Try,” he said, softly, before brushing his lips against the knuckles of her left hand.

Despite herself, Buffy smiled down at him. For a deadly vampire with several decades of bloodshed under his belt, he sure could be sensitive when it suited him.

“I don’t deserve you,” she said.

“Quite agree,” said Spike, which surprised her, until he added, “You deserve someone a damn sight better, but I’m willing to try and be that man.”

Swallowing around the lump in her throat, Buffy said, in a quiet voice, “I’ll try if you try.”

“That’s my girl,” said Spike, smiling up at her like she was the sun.

It was that look that made the words rise to her lips again. This time, she told herself, she would be brave. This time she’d look at him, and tell him, and not ruin it afterwards. “I-I love you.”

Spike’s face was awash with a million emotions as he heard it and Buffy kicked herself for missing out on the expression the first time around. Her resolve strengthened as she decided she wanted to see that look as much as possible.

“I love you,” she said again, now louder. “I love you!”

Spike rose up and held her up in his arms. They cried, and they laughed, and they held each other tighter, until they were lost in kisses and desperate fondling.

“Spike!” said Buffy in a gasp, as she struggled for breath a minute later.

“I love you!” he told her as he carried on trying to divest her of her clothes.

“No, wait!” She pushed him off, slightly. “Not here. Upstairs.”

The brief pause in sexual tension brought with it the reminder that they’d left the other party-goers in the living room, and that they’d need to go past them if they were to make it to Buffy’s room.

Buffy and Spike seemed to realize this at the same time, because they’d stopped touching altogether as they tried to figure out a Plan B.

“My place?” asked Spike.

Buffy shook her head. “I can’t just leave without saying anything.”

He hung his head, knowing she was right. He’d expected the answer, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear. They’d just have to ignore their sudden passion and go back and deal with reality. Spike had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time, either.

“Comes with the territory of a proper grown-up relationship, init?” he said to Buffy.

She nodded, morosely. “There are downsides to being responsible. But there are perks, too.” Spike quirked his eyebrow at the mention of perks, but all Buffy would say was, “You’ll see.”

And then they headed off, hand in hand, to address their waiting public.

\---

The time the Scoobies had to process what they’d heard about Spike and Buffy being together had ended up being a good thing. By the time the couple joined them again, the initial shock and anger had passed and the gang were willing to talk about things sensibly.

Clem, Sophie, and Richard had already left, in the interim. And, of those remaining in the living room, Dawn had again been the first to speak.

“Are you okay?” she asked: a simple question, with many layers of meaning behind it.

“We’re good,” said Buffy, gripping Spike’s hand a little tighter. “At least, we will be.”

“We’ll get there,” Spike affirmed, returning the grip.

This seemed to satisfy Dawn, but the others still had questions. Willow was donning her hurt puppy look as she said, “Why didn’t you feel like you could tell us?”

Buffy seemed unable to say anything in her defense, so Spike said for her, “I think you know why, Red.”

And that seemed to be the end of discussion. It was talked about a lot after that, in the following weeks but, for that night, nothing more was said.

For all of Buffy’s worry over explosive reactions, she ended up feeling humiliated at the lack of argument. Regardless, the guests hugged the birthday girl and went on their way, leaving Buffy and Spike to climb up the stairs to bed.

Their earlier lust having passed, all they ended up doing was just lying there, holding each other. But there was unspoken agreement that this act meant more than sex to both of them.

In the morning, Dawn let them sleep in as she enlisted Tara’s help to cook them breakfast in bed.

The witch had also spent the night, having made up with Willow.

Buffy thought about how nice it was to end a year – even if it was the hardest year she’d ever had – without an apocalypse.


End file.
